Dear R

Dearest R

This is the first in what I think should be a series of letters that I want to write to you. Because you are too small to understand today and because I would like to preserve my thoughts and feelings for you now so that you can share them when you grow older.

My darling R -- today, for the first time in the five months that you have been born, my heart is aching. And do you know why? Because, last night you fell off the bed. :( 

Last night, Grandpa was returning from his US trip. So, I was awake with Grandma to greet him. By the time I got to bed it was 1:30 am and you had been sleeping since 10 pm. Not too long after, I woke up to your gurgled voice -- the time was 3:45 pm and you were fully awake and playing. After feeding you and trying to coax you to go to sleep, I just decided to let you be and drift off to sleep myself. I knew you had rolled over and were playing because I did open my eyes every now and then to see what you were doing. But the next thing I heard was a dull thud and I sprang awake immediately. I knew you had fallen. For a minute, I didn't even know which side you fell off as I searched for you. By this time, of course, you were howling from the shock of taking the fall. Its amazing how I didn't have an ounce of sleep left in my body as I picked you up and consoled you. Poor baby, you cried for 5 minutes and I offered you my tried and tested comfort method -- nursing. You were back to your usual self in 10 minutes and were still not ready to go to sleep. With my energies at the peak and my mind and heart reliving that thud every second, I cuddled you so that we could sleep together. Of course, without any success, I finally put you to sleep in your thooli and slept on the sofa myself for an hour before having to get up for work.

I did not tell your G'pa - G'ma what happened. Because, childish as it is, I did not want to hear their doubts and worries and feel worse than I already was. But I did tell Appa. He was rightly concerned even though he did not blame me. He actually blamed himself because he was not around to help. I still feel like I should tell your grandparents also about what happened - because they are such an intrinsic part of your life and feel as much love and responsibility towards you as Appa and I do. Maybe I will tell them later today. Ask me when you read this, if I did.

It's funny because I was watching Friends only yesterday - The One with the Giant Poking Device - in which Monica bangs poor Ben's head on the ceiling and Ben keeps saying "Monica Bang". In the end, Ross decides to fake-punish Monica for keeping it from him by telling her that Ben was walking funny. It seemed so funny in the episode Pattu, but I don't think I could live with myself if any such thing ever happened to you because of my carelessness. 

I said sorry to you umpteen times today but you just looked at me and grinned. I am writing this to say sorry to you when you are able to understand what I am saying. I am sorry I slept off sweetheart. I am sorry I didn't notice that you were about to fall off. I am sorry to realize that this is just the beginning of many things that I won't be able to protect you from. But, I will always be there for you. If I can, I shall prevent bad things from happening to you. If I am unable to at times, which is what the reality is, I will still hold you and comfort you -- no matter how old you become.

Love always,

Amma