Dear R

Dearest R

This is the first in what I think should be a series of letters that I want to write to you. Because you are too small to understand today and because I would like to preserve my thoughts and feelings for you now so that you can share them when you grow older.

My darling R -- today, for the first time in the five months that you have been born, my heart is aching. And do you know why? Because, last night you fell off the bed. :( 

Last night, Grandpa was returning from his US trip. So, I was awake with Grandma to greet him. By the time I got to bed it was 1:30 am and you had been sleeping since 10 pm. Not too long after, I woke up to your gurgled voice -- the time was 3:45 pm and you were fully awake and playing. After feeding you and trying to coax you to go to sleep, I just decided to let you be and drift off to sleep myself. I knew you had rolled over and were playing because I did open my eyes every now and then to see what you were doing. But the next thing I heard was a dull thud and I sprang awake immediately. I knew you had fallen. For a minute, I didn't even know which side you fell off as I searched for you. By this time, of course, you were howling from the shock of taking the fall. Its amazing how I didn't have an ounce of sleep left in my body as I picked you up and consoled you. Poor baby, you cried for 5 minutes and I offered you my tried and tested comfort method -- nursing. You were back to your usual self in 10 minutes and were still not ready to go to sleep. With my energies at the peak and my mind and heart reliving that thud every second, I cuddled you so that we could sleep together. Of course, without any success, I finally put you to sleep in your thooli and slept on the sofa myself for an hour before having to get up for work.

I did not tell your G'pa - G'ma what happened. Because, childish as it is, I did not want to hear their doubts and worries and feel worse than I already was. But I did tell Appa. He was rightly concerned even though he did not blame me. He actually blamed himself because he was not around to help. I still feel like I should tell your grandparents also about what happened - because they are such an intrinsic part of your life and feel as much love and responsibility towards you as Appa and I do. Maybe I will tell them later today. Ask me when you read this, if I did.

It's funny because I was watching Friends only yesterday - The One with the Giant Poking Device - in which Monica bangs poor Ben's head on the ceiling and Ben keeps saying "Monica Bang". In the end, Ross decides to fake-punish Monica for keeping it from him by telling her that Ben was walking funny. It seemed so funny in the episode Pattu, but I don't think I could live with myself if any such thing ever happened to you because of my carelessness. 

I said sorry to you umpteen times today but you just looked at me and grinned. I am writing this to say sorry to you when you are able to understand what I am saying. I am sorry I slept off sweetheart. I am sorry I didn't notice that you were about to fall off. I am sorry to realize that this is just the beginning of many things that I won't be able to protect you from. But, I will always be there for you. If I can, I shall prevent bad things from happening to you. If I am unable to at times, which is what the reality is, I will still hold you and comfort you -- no matter how old you become.

Love always,

Amma

The Beginning of a Beautiful Relationship

I think the title aptly captures my thoughts and feelings towards R.

You know how people always say that they fell in love with their baby as soon as the nurse/doctor handed them the baby on the delivery table? Ya, I'm not one of them. I was so wiped out after the delivery process that I did not even pay proper attention to my son. I knew that they placed him on my chest immediately, but that's about it.

My next meeting with him was when they brought him for the first feeding. Even then, I was exhausted and just followed the nurse's cues.

Those first couple of days and nights, I was certainly piqued by his presence but I don't think it would qualify as unconditional love. I will chalk it up to the aftermath of delivery, the sudden loss of sleep and the aching body parts. I think somewhere in the recesses of my mind, I thought I would go into the delivery room, get the baby out and be back for a nap in my room. I was strangely irritated when the nurse got the baby for feeding, like I wanted to tell her "Don't you know what I just went through? Do you think I could get a little break here?"

True to what I had heard from everyone, I found the initial days extremely hard. I was overwhelmed by the need that this little tiny baby had for me through the day and night. I was exhausted by the incessant crying in the evenings. I used to dread night time, not knowing how, when and if he will fall asleep. I used to keep an alarm for every two hours to wake up and feed him. I felt betrayed by the weakness in my own body which was not quick in responding to my baby's cries. I had days when I wept while feeding him. I even complained to my husband that life is not fair to women. Why do I only have to be pregnant, deliver and then breastfeed also? Why couldn't God have made it in a way that once the woman delivers, she can relax and the father can take over breast feeding, or whatever it would have been known as?

And true to what I had heard from everyone, it did get better. Two months since he was born, and it's getting better everyday. I don't know when I started enjoying my baby or when I fell in love with him. But, I have realized that it is gradual. Everyday my love for him grows.When I wake up in the morning to his coos and smile at him to say good morning, he smiles back. And my heart melts.

The hour long feeding sessions that I used to dread early on have become 5 - 10 minutes now and I use that time to bond with my beautiful baby. I wonder. does the father feel envious of this exclusivity that I share with the baby? Does he feel insecure in not having such an indispensable part to play, early on?

I now think of him as a little person with his own developing personality. He interacts and plays with everyone at home. He smiles and gurgles during the day. He looks satisfied when I rub lotion on him and dress him up.

Mostly, I feel that he is starting to recognize me. When he is lying surrounded by folks, and I get up and leave the room his eyes follow me. When he is playing with other people, every once in a while, he looks around the room for me and makes eye contact with me as if to say - "Hey, I'm playing with all these people, but you better stick around." And not just because I am the food provider. Everyday that I spend him, I feel that he is falling in love with me too.

Today, I can't recall how exhausted I was - physically and emotionally - two months back. Today, I love him so much that I actually miss while he sleeps in his crib! I guess this is the beginning of what they call - The Joy of Motherhood :)